Try
Get your sexy on. Don’t be shy, girl. Take it off.
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you?
Do you like you?
You don’t have to try so hard. You don’t have to, give it all away.
You just have to get up, get up, get up.
You don’t have to change a single thing.
Colbie Calliat
The most enduring relationship we have is with ourselves. How much time and energy do we devote getting to know, value and respect US? As we clamor to fit in, earn praise and avoid confrontation, we lose our SELVES.
Self-esteem, in my profession, is a highly valued, often misconstrued goal. It sounds great in theory, but what is it REALLY? Self-esteem is the synthesis of self-respect and self-confidence. On the wild ride of life there are three levels of self-esteem that can be explored and practiced.
Dependent self-esteem is contingent on praise or validation, as well as comparison to and by others. We see ourselves as worth more when others acknowledge our accomplishments or when we assess ourselves as superior and see ourselves as worth less with the inverse. This mindset can stifle individual thought, belief and creativity in favor of pleasing and/or outperforming others. Dependent self-esteem frequently usurps the amazing discovery of authenticity in favoring of pleasing others. Relative comparison can foster rigid categorization of others into “less than” or “better than” and lead to unhealthy competition.
Independent self-esteem focus is on defining and acting in accordance with our own internal attributes. We measure our value by noting and validating individual improvements, scaling our accomplishments over time and comparison with our past selves. When independent self-esteem is fostered, we are more intrinsically motivated and prone to creative thought. By stepping away from comparisons of others, we reduce envy, jealousy; can be more cooperative and inclusive.
Unconditional self-esteem values our inherent worth of being alive rather than establishing worth through “doing.” Self-respect and self-confidence are static, despite failures, setbacks or judgments’/accolades from others. When we lean into unconditional self-esteem, we “do” for the sake of “doing”, not as a means of proving to our self or others. While at first glance this view of self-esteem seems detached, actually by moving past social comparisons and external/internal approval we become more connected and open. When we embrace unconditional self-esteem, we help others with an open heart, holding no expectation of reciprocity or praise.
Here are some of the strategies I use to move in the direction of independent and unconditional self-esteem.
Breathe it out! Inducing a sense of calm through meditation, mindfulness or simple deep breathing allows you the time and mental space to slow down, gain perspective and act consciously.
Discover WHO you are and what is important to you. A great place to start is by taking the Values in Action survey at: http://laurieboussom.pro.viasurvey.org
Strive to be known, rather than validated. Stay true to WHO you are and the values and convictions important to you.
Accept that gridlock is a normal part of any relationship. This doesn’t mean either of you are wrong. We each have a subjective view of reality.
Learn to take the balcony view when feeling challenged. Instead of actively engaging or defending, observe the situation with a curious, open mind and birds eye view.
Cope rather than avoid. Self-perception theory states, the mind observes our behaviors and identifies who we are as a result. Even if you fake coping your mind doesn’t discern the difference.
Follow the Titanium Rule “Do unto others as is THEIR druthers.”
Be kind and generous with others AND yourself.
Actively practice patience, especially with yourself. There are no shortcuts.
You don’t have to TRY so hard. You will get there. Hopefully while appreciating the lovely view along the way.
